A conversation late last night / early this morning with Big Boy and LR over ice cream, cheese rings and coke brought about this nugget of wisdom / crap:

"Between love and hate, hate is easier. The very nature of love requires reciprocation and no matter how much you shower love on anyone, it never guarantees that it will be returned. Hate, one the other hand, does not require equal feelings. It is quite possible, and very easy, to hate someone who does not hate you back. And yes, when you heap hate on someone, it's entirely possible that they would learn to hate you right back -- but that hardly matters as hate does not require to be returned."

(Sleep deprivation x the time of the day or night) + (weirdoks) + (sugar) = random pieces of brilliance.

Or statements I feel will bite me in the ass at some point.

Tags: demented doses, good days, number 42 theories, tripping away
coordinates: changi airport
state of mind: impatient
background noise: people waiting to board planes

So a late night conversation with the Monkey Master. I was waxing (almost) lyrical about peanut butter and why it's one of the best things in the world. So the following (paraphrased) conversation ensues:

Monkey Master: We didn't have peanut butter when I was growing up.
c5: How tragic!
Monkey Master: The Communists deprived us of peanut butter. All peanut butter was horded in capitalist societies and we had none.
c5: I reckon you didn't grow peanuts locally.
Monkey Master: Yes. But we had walnuts and peas.
c5: Please don't tell me you had Pea Butter.
Monkey Master: No, we ate burned plastic imported from the West, spread on bread.
c5: That must have stuck to your teeth like a bitch.
Monkey King: We particularly liked those that came from the Philippines, they sometimes had a few atoms of peanut butter left in them.

It was at that point that I almost fell off my chair laughing. Hahahaha.

This may be the funniest conversation I will have this week. It would not be easy to top.

Tags: good days, pointless posts
coordinates: home. the dining table, specifically
state of mind: stuffed with peanut butter
background noise: Annie Lennox -- Dark Road

fairlycloudy tells me at our smoke break after the Gross lecture: "I just realised that you're a megalomaniac!"

And I say: "Huh?"

She says: "When he said that 'Everything is physics' that got you excited. So I realised that the reason why you're so into physics is because it makes you understand everything. That's megalomaniac.

And I say: "Yeah, and control everything. Be thankful I'm not a physicist -- or a world leader."

I think that's how the conversation went.

(Thanks, fairlycloudy and Sputing for getting me invites to the event!)

Tags: geekery, good days, life in manila, number 42 theories, pointless posts
coordinates: manila
state of mind: awake
background noise: cartoons on tv

I think there's a weird gene in my system that gives me goosebumps whenever I'm in the same room as an honest-to-goodness, dedicated-his-life-to-theoretical-physics physicist. I couldn't help it, as soon as they introduced David Jonathan Gross this morning as a Physicist, I wanted to stand up and clap (which I did). I think this is the flip side of envy. Admiration? Perhaps. But tinged with thoughts running through my head at the speed of light on what could have been and the Dream that was never pursued.

But there's reason to be impressed. Gross is a pretty accomplished physicist. Won the Nobel Laureate for Physics in 2004 for his work on quarks and strong nuclear force which led to the discovery of the asymptomic freedom phenomenon, which further led to a new physical theory of quantum chromodynamics (QCD). This theory contributes to the quest for the Theory of Everything.

So I stashed my Skepticism in my bag and prepared to be dazzled.

And I was. Hearing a Theoretical Physicist confirm how I understood quantum mechanics, having a hardcore scientist like that talking about the provisional truths, about the need for an open and available scientific community, and how Science naturally leads to tolerant and open-minded perspectives, was pretty awesome. I lapped it up like the nerd that I am.

I suppose his being a Theoretical Physicist had a lot to do with that. The importance of perspective, the theory of relativity, the acknowledgment of how the very act of observing an event changes the event (and its results) -- these are tenets of quantum mechanics. The very reason why I fell in love with it in the the first place. It was great to hear someone who understood and lived all that.

I have no doubt that this dude is a great physicist (anyone who studies quarks, and talks about quantum vacuum like it's a nice place to visit is hardcore) but when it came to him relating physics to social issues, to development, to global warming, he lost me. At that point, Skepticism left my bag and the goosebumps disappeared.

• He talks about a World Government like it was strong nuclear force (not talking bombs here) -- able to keep quarks in line and within a proton according to the laws of asymptotic freedom. As much as he believes in the existence of natural laws that have yet to be fully understood, discovered and comprehended, he believes that the existence of a universal (even pan-galactic) government to make the world behave is inevitable and good. He is positive that the development and discoveries of Science in the last century will lead to a world where rationality and logic would rule.

• He talks about the advances in the study of the human brain and its neurons; he is quite excited by the results of understanding the human brain even further perhaps towards eliminating crazy human thoughts and reactions, making it easier to control nature.

• He talks about how Science has extended life expectancy and how it's probable that in the next 50 years, Science (genetic studies, in particular)  would extend it further. He speaks of the how the future may bring Speciation within the human race -- how through genetic manipulation, there will be other human species.

Midway through it, I realised that this is why I'm not a Theoretical Physicist.

• I don't have the kind of idealism such a life would require -- the belief that observation and experimentation would bring explanations and answers that can be articulated in an elegant mathematical formula.
• And I don't have the kind of discipline required to smash atoms and observe how they behave and then do it all over again until patterns and theories are formed.
• And at the mention of the words "world government", I immediately thought: whose government? how will women participate in it? whose culture will reign supreme? whose laws will rule the world? whose beliefs?
  
• And the thought of being able to figure out how the human brain works scares me. I like the mysteries of my insanity just fine.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I think I've finally come to terms with that Failed Physicist-Wannabe Fantasy. Not that I'd stop reading quantum mechanics books. Not that I would ever stop being in awe of hardcore theoretical physicists. Not that I would stop entertaining the idea of stalking Michio Kaku and Brian Greene.

But I think I've learned my limits.

Tags: geekery, good days, life in manila, number 42 theories, pop culture
coordinates: manila
background noise: liz phair - Somebody's Miracle

So Christmas Day is over.

It was a nice day. The family celebration started at around 10pm on the 24th, had a six-hour sleep break, then went on 'til 10pm on the 25th. The food was absolutely amazing and the people were pretty cool. For the first time in years, all four of my siblings were there. And, the aunts did not have any squabbles. I got pretty awesome gifts: a custom-made cue stick from Ate; my favourite perfume from DJ; clothes...

But I received my best gift this Xmas during the six-hour break.

I couldn't sleep that night (and if I were to be honest with myself, it's mostly because it's this season that I miss Velma the most and that generally keeps me up at night). So I got online, checked my Facebook, made some moves on Scrabulous, and POPed my email. I got a letter from My Ultimate Favourite Comic Book Graphic Artist* (it was Jeph Loeb 'til I saw this guy's work)! I had written to him a few days back, asking if he could design a tattoo for me. And on that email, he said "yes"! I swear I was hoping around on my bed for a full 5 minutes. Then I called Pa3k and screamed the news to him. This was at 3:30 in the morning.

I'm still reeling over that.

______
* I won't write his name because it would be awful if he suddenly got people inundating him with tattoo requests.

Tags: geekery, good days, life in manila, pointless posts
coordinates: manila
state of mind: mellow

It looks like the Joes are going to go on a joint mission soon -- on the account of Jinx's wedding.

After months of investigative Googling for Cover Girl's online coordinates, Jinx and Scarlett have finally broken the Top Secret Skype Vault. Lady Jane's confirmed for the operation. She's agreed to undertake the Ultra Important Mission of Reading the Liturgy for the Wedding. Scarlett, of course, is going in as Back Up for the Bride Captain.

In two months, the mission will commence.

Scarlett, over and out and very, very happy :-)

Tags: geekery, good days
coordinates: manila, philippines
state of mind: bouncy

The Simpson's re-run on tv last night was the one where Lisa's pet cats kept dying on her. Scenes of a crying Lisa and a few cat funerals had me dreaming of going home to a dead Lucia. Woke up in a panic, and now I want to go home.

But other than that, everything is going pretty well here.

Yesterday, we headed for Noakhala to see one of the project sites. It was a 7 hour drive that started at 5am. On the way to there, we stopped at the Miami Leisure Lodge in Comilla and I had one of the best cups of coffee I've ever had in my life. Nice and thick with milk so creamy, it was almost like liquid creme brulee...

When we got to the Information Centre in Noakhala, the community was in the middle of a Health Camp -- well, waiting for the Health Camp to start. One of the activities that the centre regularly organised for the community were thematic camps to bring in professionals that these poor communities members couldn't afford to pay for information and advice. Like Legal Camps, where lawyers and human rights activists were brought in to respond to the community members' legal questions, and Agriculture Camps, where scientists answered the stuff like plant diseases, insect infestation and soil problems.

As a result of yesterday's planned Health Camp, the Information Centre was packed (the Health Camp eventually had to be cancelled because the doctor who was supposed to provide medical consultation and advice had an accident en route to Noakhala). Men in sarongs (or whatever it is they call their sarongs). Women in burkas. Children running around half-naked. It was pretty overwhelming -- made even more so that I was the only non-Bangladeshi in the vicinity so all eyes were on me.

We had to "hide" in one of the spare rooms to smoke cigs because smoking (and eating) were not allowed by the local government because of Ramadan. Anyone caught would be fined. But even though we tried to keep the curtains closed, everyone kept trying to peek into the room to catch a glimpse of The Foreigner with Painted Arms. Brought back memories of that trip to Daram when I was 11, when everyone in town followed me  wherever I went, even peeking into my bedroom window.

There were times during the day when I wanted to lock myself up in the bathroom and scream.

But there was work to be done, so work we did. We finished the consultation with the Information Centre staff, which lasted about 5 hours, then headed back to Dhaka.

On the last hour of the 7-hour drive back to Dhaka, we got a flat tire in the middle of Nowhere, Bangladesh. There was a spare tire but there was no jack, so we had to lift the tail end of the mini-van so the driver could change the tires.

Moments like this really make me feel very... fortunate. I mean it. These one-of-a-kind, never-again-to-be-repeated experiences float my boat. Borderline surreal experiences. Stuck in the middle of nowhere with a flat tire, or a car leaking oil like the one during the Rajastahn road trip last May. Or spending the night at a truckers' stop in the the Middle of Nowhere, India. Or walking til sunrise with Big Boy in the Makati area, or walking aimlessly for hours until we reached the bay in San Francisco with the Polish Tourist. Skinny dipping in the Black Sea and running from the security guards in Varna with the APC boys and girls. Almost getting arrested in Kuala Lumpur for handing out flyers for an anti-violence against women rally with The Turtle. Standing on the foot of the Giza Pyramids and calling Cirio up just to share the moment with him. Having a conversation with NB, JC and PV in the hallway of the International House in Seoul, getting our palms read by NB while waiting for laundry.

Moments you wish you had a built in videocam so you can replay them over and over. Moments so singular and mundane that you kinda had to be there to be able to grasp why they were so special.

I reckon that if I experience enough moments like those, I'd end up with something that resembles a full life.

Tags: good days, tripping away
coordinates: dhaka, bangladesh
state of mind: mellow
background noise: some techno music playing on the floor above me

    

Back from a hectic but fun trip to Singapore with the weirdoks girls. The last five / six days have been quite intense. Juggling various (and sometimes conflicting) shopping and site-seeing agendas, mood swings, nervous ticks and self-destructive tendencies has been an exercise in self-control, patience, respect and understanding -- for all of us. It was a rollercoaster ride - Weirdoks Anonymous style:

slapandpop and I set off on the first day fresh and worn out from a night with no sleep and a huge debate on happiness, selfishness and which rockstar (dead or alive) we would do in a heartbeat. Needless to say, we were pretty zonked out by the time we met up with the rest of the girls.

Hit the ground running upon arriving in Singapore. The "legendary" Merlion sightseeing tour with acid_attacks and asdfkl and the Weirdok Apprentice. No one wanted to go, but everyone thought everyone else was dying to get a photo taken with that freaking Merlion. So no one complained -- until we got home, feet sore and tired.

Ikea was where things began to really get hectic. It brought out the most rabid shoppers in all of us. I headed straight for the kitchen section to buy practical kitchen items like tongs and mixing bowls, laughing at myself for being so mundane. Then FlyGirl out-did my mundanity by buying shoe racks. fairlycloudy and gurlygurlracer outdid us all by buying trash cans.

Hanging out with the Weirdok Apprentice is always fun. Her unique and highly-skewed sensibilities never fail to floor me. I gave her a bunch of colouring books as pasalubong, one of which was a Dexter's Laboratory colouring book. She coloured Dexter and DeeDee in black and said "Look, I burned them!", then proceeded to "burn" other pictures in her colouring books. A four-year old pyromaniac-wannabe.

Then there was the pool game from hell on Saturday night. A fucking expensive pool hall with awful pool tables with no friction and messed up rails. We could have lived with that but not being allowed to smoke and order anything stronger than Pepsi and Iced Milo made that place hell on earth. So after a few rounds, we gave up and headed to the condo to hang out by the pool and wallow in nicotine.

Sentosa on Sunday. Shopping, shopping, shopping and more shopping on Monday and Tuesday.

By the fourth day, I was feeling the need for space and silence -- and my own bed.

By the fifth, my nerves were frayed.

Wouldn't trade the experience for anything, though.

More photos up on Flickr: Weirdoks in Singapore

Tags: good days, pointless posts, tripping away
state of mind: calm

[Had to blur the context of this entry because there are bad governments and people out there who may stumble upon this blog and think "Hmm... maybe I should report this to an Authoritarian Government". I was stupid enough to think that the world is a safe place for a while there. Never again.]

There was no reason for trepidation, after all.

The trainers... err ok, I was a bit worried that the training curriculum we had designed for the activist techies was not really relevant to their and their communities' needs and realities. I waffled between thinking it was too advanced or too basic -- which I think shows my inexperience in doing trainings for a highly-unique group like this one and training men.

Yeah, I think I will have to admit that part of my trepidation has to do with being a female training a largely-male audience (and when I say largely-male, I mean, there is only 1 female participant), but most importantly, these are men I can't hate. If these were men I could hate, things would be easier for me. A defensive stance is much, much better than a tentative one  (pretty much like the difference between striding into a room wearing big, combat boots and  sauntering in wearing 3-inch platform sandals). If these were men I could hate, I could easily deliver what I need to deliver and not care if it is relevant to them. If these were men I could hate, I wouldn't even be here.

I honestly can't go around believing pre-conceived notions about groups and categories of people. There was no way I could have 100% believed that all these activist techies were 100% sexist bastards. But, I've met enough Sexist Freedom Fighters that there was also no way I could have 100% believed that they were all good and nice and Feminist-friendly. I may want to assume the best of people but I'm not stupid.

There was no reason to not give these men the benefit of the doubt. My own biases has already given them about a million points simply for being refugees from their own country, and another million points for being self-taught techies supporting their freedom movement. I was also quite aware that reason why this was a predominantly-male training was because there were hardly any women from their community doing this kind of work. I can't really hate these men for that fact.

So in the absence of any rationale to take on a defensive stance, I was left with trepidation. Or Trepidations. The general trepidation of wanting to deliver a relevant and meaningful training to support the tech work within this movement coupled with the specific trepidation of a lone female trainer going into a 98% male training on technology. Basically, I worried about  my lack of skills and how that reflects (maybe even reiterates) sexist notions of women being useless in technical fields. 

Turns out, there was no reason for the Trepidations.

Day 1 went off swimmingly well. So far, these techies are blowing away all former memories of Sexist Freedom Fighters. They have been nothing but open and welcoming. And not once have I ever felt odd for being one of the three women in this crowd -- not from the participants and definitely not from the other facilitators.

But more importantly, beyond my own self-centred concerns, it seems that the curriculum that we have designed for them addresses what they need / want. We did a needs assessment as the first session of the Open Publishing Track and we found out that we were not so far off the mark.

So for tomorrow, I think I'm only going to need to worry about butterflies that take up residence in my tummy prior to any public-speaking part. Is speaking in front of 6 people considered Public?

Tags: activist stuff, bts, geekery, good days, tripping away, women and tech
coordinates: chiang mai, thailand
state of mind: satisfied
background noise: geekboys planning info security session

We got the kittens today: Lucia (Luching) and Alfonso (Ponso). Named after our grandparents (whose wedding anniversary the family is celebrating today). The names also happen to be mine and Cirio's second names, respectively.





I think they're still getting used to the place and have spent most of the day huddled under the sofa. But already it's pretty clear that Lucia is the adventurous one. While Alfonso was crouching from beneath the bookshelf to under the sofa (and back), Lucia was busy walking around the condo and sniffing around. And while Alfonso kind of just lets you grab him and stay in your arms passively, the furtively leave when you've slackened your hold, Lucia claws her way and jumps right off.

I think I'm in love :-)

More pictures up here.

Tags: good days, life in manila
state of mind: bouncy
background noise: stepford wives on tv in the background