I think there's a weird gene in my system that gives me goosebumps whenever I'm in the same room as an honest-to-goodness, dedicated-his-life-to-theoretical-physics physicist. I couldn't help it, as soon as they introduced David Jonathan Gross this morning as a Physicist, I wanted to stand up and clap (which I did). I think this is the flip side of envy. Admiration? Perhaps. But tinged with thoughts running through my head at the speed of light on what could have been and the Dream that was never pursued.

But there's reason to be impressed. Gross is a pretty accomplished physicist. Won the Nobel Laureate for Physics in 2004 for his work on quarks and strong nuclear force which led to the discovery of the asymptomic freedom phenomenon, which further led to a new physical theory of quantum chromodynamics (QCD). This theory contributes to the quest for the Theory of Everything.

So I stashed my Skepticism in my bag and prepared to be dazzled.

And I was. Hearing a Theoretical Physicist confirm how I understood quantum mechanics, having a hardcore scientist like that talking about the provisional truths, about the need for an open and available scientific community, and how Science naturally leads to tolerant and open-minded perspectives, was pretty awesome. I lapped it up like the nerd that I am.

I suppose his being a Theoretical Physicist had a lot to do with that. The importance of perspective, the theory of relativity, the acknowledgment of how the very act of observing an event changes the event (and its results) -- these are tenets of quantum mechanics. The very reason why I fell in love with it in the the first place. It was great to hear someone who understood and lived all that.

I have no doubt that this dude is a great physicist (anyone who studies quarks, and talks about quantum vacuum like it's a nice place to visit is hardcore) but when it came to him relating physics to social issues, to development, to global warming, he lost me. At that point, Skepticism left my bag and the goosebumps disappeared.

• He talks about a World Government like it was strong nuclear force (not talking bombs here) -- able to keep quarks in line and within a proton according to the laws of asymptotic freedom. As much as he believes in the existence of natural laws that have yet to be fully understood, discovered and comprehended, he believes that the existence of a universal (even pan-galactic) government to make the world behave is inevitable and good. He is positive that the development and discoveries of Science in the last century will lead to a world where rationality and logic would rule.

• He talks about the advances in the study of the human brain and its neurons; he is quite excited by the results of understanding the human brain even further perhaps towards eliminating crazy human thoughts and reactions, making it easier to control nature.

• He talks about how Science has extended life expectancy and how it's probable that in the next 50 years, Science (genetic studies, in particular)  would extend it further. He speaks of the how the future may bring Speciation within the human race -- how through genetic manipulation, there will be other human species.

Midway through it, I realised that this is why I'm not a Theoretical Physicist.

• I don't have the kind of idealism such a life would require -- the belief that observation and experimentation would bring explanations and answers that can be articulated in an elegant mathematical formula.
• And I don't have the kind of discipline required to smash atoms and observe how they behave and then do it all over again until patterns and theories are formed.
• And at the mention of the words "world government", I immediately thought: whose government? how will women participate in it? whose culture will reign supreme? whose laws will rule the world? whose beliefs?
  
• And the thought of being able to figure out how the human brain works scares me. I like the mysteries of my insanity just fine.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I think I've finally come to terms with that Failed Physicist-Wannabe Fantasy. Not that I'd stop reading quantum mechanics books. Not that I would ever stop being in awe of hardcore theoretical physicists. Not that I would stop entertaining the idea of stalking Michio Kaku and Brian Greene.

But I think I've learned my limits.

Tags: geekery, good days, life in manila, number 42 theories, pop culture
coordinates: manila
background noise: liz phair - Somebody's Miracle